So here it goes.
My first of all venting, opinions and experiences I will share with the rest of you. As the About in my profile already tells you guys that I’m in constant change, back and forth and that I’m fed up with it feeling so tossed around by these feelings about myself at this moment. I also say that I need to break it down. In pieces. So let’s just do it.
After 36, almost 37 years, living my life half ass, always in the middle of two different worlds. Always reasoning and highlighting the pro’s and cons of every theme that entered my life. Brought up by conditioned beliefs of parents founded by christian religion, common beliefs in these christian concegrations which were instilled in me until I was 32.. But at my 18th birthday I resigned from my parents religion and all the people I knew from this religion since birth. I left as a freed-of-religion girl and stepped into the world as a newborn-otherworldly girl. Soon after my bold entry in the world I experienced things that hurt myself mentally, physically and had conseqences for me but also for my loved ones around me. Since my 18th to date I’m fighting to break from all these conditionings and try not to feel bad about it. I must tell you, that is no easy ride. When you’ve been told that leaving the religion was also seen and felt as turning your back on God. So what did I do? Believing I had become godless, by my choice to go into the world that is reigned by the evil one.. Loosing the chance to be saved by His Grace.. I went living my life full of sin and bad behaviour in the eyes of my parents, my brothers and the rest of people in this religion. Without guidance of the Bible. Thinking too much of myself by doing things differently and how I could possibly know it better to live life than what the Almighty High prescribes in His book. I learned that the love of family members was not unconditional and I stood alone. Reckless living began (no hope for the future and the term ‘YOLO’ seemed totally appropiate). This style of living stayed the years until my thirties. When I hit my 32th birthday, after a phonecall with a bypasser in my life, I could finally let loose of some conditioning. This guy was, in my personal after-analysis, send to me (by God, Universe, Allah, The Allknown, The Oracel, fill in for yourself) to make a PostIt-mark in my brains with just 2 sentences. He helped me to become aware that I’m a small but powerfull being designed and created by ‘God’. So I also would have the power to design and create. Having common sense built in and capable to do things that went beyond my own beliefs at that moment. From that moment on (I see this particular phone-moment as the beginning of my personal evolvement) I went on to be critical and questioning and researching themes that mattered to me. I made some plausible norms my live-by and my go-to. Just to live and justify. Justifying in order to get a sense of approval. In the last 19 years I had hung myself onto so many differents norms, beliefs and opinions. Some stayed, others were requestioned again or ditched. And just these last days I find myself on a junction road. January 2021. I’m dizzy of all that there is to choose from and instilled in me to live by, to go to, to use as the red thread for life. I’m totally fed up. I want to free myself from emotions about the past and free myself of the feelings I should feel about the future.
I came to the realisation that the approval I seek so dearly, is not coming from my parents. Unless I should identify as heterosexual, christian only in this specific religion, having a job with an old fashioned status. None of these felt as my own, nor have I accomplished these. I learned this lesson after 35 years. I then finally could forgive my parents for the way they raised me and wherein and how they dealt with me after sexual abuse. It took a long while. I made up so many reasons of why they could possibly handled the way they did. I learned forgiveness is not for them but for myself. And I learned that I needed to take accountability for my life. Instead of pointing fingers to all the wrongs I experienced and at the people who raised me. And I still have moments I get angry again about this past, but directly I tell myself forgiveness is given to them and I can follow my own path further.
I recently decided I want to stay away from someone else’s opinion and beliefs built on things they hear, see or read. And take those as a given. As theirs. No need to let it stick with me. I also decided I need to develop solely. Take the time to engage with my mind and my heart. Especially my heart. Take time to feel instead of having opinions without substantion or are based on former conditionings.
So the first point of action I made this month is to improve my chess game. And to be in stillness. Choose me. Choose life. Almost 37 and capable to shape, design, create this life. It’s about time.
