Recently life started my 37th phase. That I feel will last till I’m 40. Can’t recollect ever felt so worse as this birthday. Yes, renegade. And yes, nothing lasts forever. As I wrote the first time I need to break things down. As I’m not feeling well as I write this. I feel that in order to survive, to stay alive, to thrive, to ……. To do well, I don’t need to dwell on the thoughts and feelings that I’m struggling with. They bring me to suicidal thoughts and preparations. I’m sorry. I need to break it down.
It’s no secret to anyone that I long for a free feeling. Free from all that gets thrown at us as human beings through a lifetime. What is the real reason behind all this? What’s it for? I’ve heared several explanations and beliefs. Right now I feel and think its pointless. All the debt we have taken upon us. From physical to mental. My back wears a backpack that I just can’t carry anymore. Living falls hard on me and my coping skills. The back and forth I go through is making me nuts. I want to get out. “I think it would be exciting to start all over. I sometimes just wish to wash the slate clean, to start all over again..” said Ruth Litoff. I could sense that. I could sense the whole documentary I had watched earlier.
As I was weeping through the day yesterday, I am now in a stargaze of emptiness.
I contacted the carefacilitator of my doctors’ office to alarm I’m feeling suicidal. Its my cry for help. Its something I need in order to pull myself up again. Cause the guilt it is giving me, to rely on others and think this way, is wanting to slap me in the face. Hard. What do I mean to give up?! What’s my problem?? I have two fighting inside of me. One’s called Back and the other’s name is Forth. They can & can’t live with each other. Dualistic. But non existened without one another.
Either I accept it.. or I keep fighting the waves. Look at my situation, without any ego or judgement. Stop and stare. No judgement, yes, I see the emptiness. Diving into this shit. Looking for the present and finding the opportunity.
Change my perspective of the world. No, it isn’t pointless to live. Like I just said this will last till I’m 40. No need for excessive proportions. But the haunting memories and reliving is fucking me up. Sometimes I just don’t remember or can find any reason to have acted or spoken in a certain way. Gives me headaches. Because it causes miscommunications and triggers.
And I’m so tired of it.
I know I have to fight. I know. But I still long for peace. Peace of mind. Peace in heart. And along the way we all keep challenged, coping and fighting. For the small peace moments. Nothing lasts forever. But are you willing to do it over and over again? Even if you don’t have a clue what’s it for?
I’m tired. I find it hard to write about this and break it down any further. At least I put it out here. Share.
And you guys — readers from my work — as my therapists, thank you.
